The Lie

December 30, 2006 - Saturday
Mother In Law's gift to me/size issue/big lie story. Current mood: hungry
So I've been asked by a few how the "Mother In Law gift/size issue/big lie" thing went. I guess I will tell the story to everyone.
Several weeks ago, my mother in law (Ok, I'm tired of typing that out, her name is Carline), Carline, called here and I answered..she told me that she wanted to buy me street clothes (No, I don't walk the streets). She then asked "Do you wear a 14 or 16?" Oh no, hell no, she did not just ask if I wore those sizes...'What is she thinking?', I thought to myself. "Carline, I don't wear either of those sizes, I actually wear a size **" Now, this is where the big lie part comes in..I lied about my size..I guess it was just to prove to her that I DID NOT wear that size or even close to that size. Ok, so maybe my size is a little close to the size 14..but not really. Then she said to me "Oh, I'm impressed..You wear a size **?" WTF WOMAN! How dare her be impressed with my false size! Ahem...back to the story... Carline is the type of woman who, when she buys clothing items for the family, says in front of everyone on Christmas Eve or their birthday or whatever, "Go try it on! Show everyone what you got!" Basically, I was fucked..I had to figure out how in TWO WEEKS to get my ass into a size **, all while baking cookies, eating some to make sure they were fine, and sipping eggnog several times a day and never ever stepping on the treadmill.
Christmas Eve arrives...I hold off on opening my gift from Carline..prolonging the inevitable...Finally, Carline asks me in front of everyone, if I had opened my gift from her yet. "No, not yet. I was just getting ready to" I said..as I wiped sweat from my brow..I look around, nervously, seeing everyone staring at me. They must have thought since she asked that that she must have bought me something really exciting. I believe you could have heard a pin drop in the room..wait, no she has plush carpet in there, nevermind. Had she a wood floor though, you would have heard a pin drop, b/c it was so damn quiet. Anyway...Tim nudges me, I had told him how I lied to her about my size, and I saw him smirking..the ass. I slowly unwrap the gift...open the huge shirt box, and pull out a celedon velour sweat suit. I loved it! And it was stretchy! I love that woman..Thank goodness..No one said anything, they looked almost disappointed when I opened it, and then everyone went back to whatever they were doing before. She never asked me to try it on..So, late that night, after my houseguests left, I tried it on..the pants fit perfectly..the jacket was HUGE. She got a medium in the pants and a XLarge in the jacket. WTF. Oh well..
The lesson learned, kids?
Don't lie to your mother in law about your size.